Thursday 25 July 2013

LISTENING TO OR LISTENING FOR

When I was much younger, I read a book titled “From the kitchen window” or something like that (can’t remember clearly now-will have to ask my mom). I cannot remember what the book was about but what struck me most was the fact that most of what was written came from insights received by the author while she was working on her household chores (hence the title).
This morning, I was going through an old journal of mine and I saw an entry I made on the 31st of December 2008 from an insight I received while working in the kitchen.
It blessed me again and I decided to share.
“Most people, when they want to hear from God make the mistake of focusing only on trying to LISTEN TO God’s voice. You are supposed to also LISTEN FOR God’s voice.
You can only listen to something when you know when or where exactly it will come from. You listen for something when you do not know the exact when or where it will come from.
Since you cannot pin God down and predict His every action, you have to learn to listen for and not just to His voice.”
God speaks through His Words in the Bible but He can also speak to you through anything.
If He could speak through a donkey as can be found in Numbers 22, then best believe He can speak to you through a child, your boss or even that person that dislikes you.
He can speak to you through circumstances. He can speak to you through nature. He can speak to you in any way He desires.
My whole point is this; when you ask God for something, don’t put Him in a box and expect Him to respond or speak to you in a certain way. You will most likely miss His response that way.
I know the Bible contains some revelation of God’s personality but let us never forget that God is infinite, we can never know Him completely.
HE IS GOD. His ways are not our ways and His thoughts are not ours. They are so far apart.
Isaiah 55:8-9 - "I don't think the way you think. The way you work isn't the way I work." God's Decree.  For as the sky soars high above earth, so the way I work surpasses the way you work, and the way I think is beyond the way you think.” (Message Bible)
Most times, when we ask God for something, our expectations are based on our very-limited and myopic knowledge.  God’s response comes from His knowledge of the end from the beginning. You cannot expect that you will completely understand His thought process and predict how His response will come through.
Always keep an open mind and have an ear waiting to hear and see God in any(and) everything.
I hope this blessed someone.
Love you always,
Darhmie…

Monday 15 July 2013

FRIEND OR FOE


Hi there…how was your weekend?
Restful, I hope.
So I was doing a little thinking today and I decide to put my thoughts down in a post.
Now ladies, remember when you first hit puberty and your breasts began to develop. I am certain a lot of us went through that phase when our budding breasts were so tender and painful. For some of us, the pain was to the point where you couldn’t make any sudden movements like jumping down form your bunker bed or engaging in sporting activities. However, after a while, the tenderness and pain subsided and now we have these beautiful mounds on our chests.
My point…Growth is sometimes or most times, painful. It is definitely not the most convenient of phases. But with growth comes increase and new levels. This applies to our lives as individuals also.
Like in Biology, in real-life growth has catalysts and inhibitors. Chief among them are people. We can classify every person we have a relationship with (regardless of what type of relationship it is) into two broad categories; Friends and Foes.
Interestingly, most times we mis-classify the people in our lives. Those who should be friends are classified as foes and those who should be foes are seen as friends.
One major deciding factor that I use in classifying the individuals in my life into these categories is how they affect my growth. For those who hinder me, they are foes and those who encourage or help me grow, they are friends.
The interesting thing however is that the actions that usually lead to growth are not comfortable or palatable experiences. Your father who wouldn’t let you play football until you were done with your assignment; your mother who will not allow you eat too many sweets; your teacher who caned you whenever you failed a test; that roommate who is always advising you to party less and study more; that friend who constantly asks you why you allow your boyfriend treat you like trash; that friend who tries to discourage you from smoking cannabis; your pastor who seems to preach at you every Sunday; that cousin that told you to move out of her house cos you were free-loading shamelessly….The list is endless.
Funny enough, these are the people that annoy us. We feel they are intruding into or trying to stop us from enjoying our lives. Whereas they are the one who are trying to make us into better, stronger people. Your dad wanted you to have good grades. Your mum wanted you to be a healthy child.  Your teacher wanted you to be smarter. Your roommate wanted you to have a marketable University degree. Your friend wanted you to be in a better relationship. Your friend wanted you to retain your sanity. Your pastor wanted you to turn away from your sins. Your cousin wanted you to learn responsibility. These are the people I consider to be my friends. It is so easy for us to dislike these people because what they are doing is not palatable to us now, although in the long-run we become better for it. Our myopic nature doesn’t allow us see beyond the here and now.
This same myopic nature doesn’t allow us understand that those who encourage our careless and flippant behaviours are merely hastening us down a destructive path. It’s easy to love the friend that parties with you every weekend over the one who cautions you to slow your roll. It’s easy to love the people who tell us what we want to hear instead of what we need to hear. Those people who sweet-talk us constantly are the real foes.
I would rather have a friend who tells me the bitter truth than one who has never found anything worthy of correction in me. There are some people I have kept as friends for so many years now and the simple reason is that they tell me the bitter truth when I need to hear it.
There is an adage in the South-Western part of Nigeria that says that if two siblings enter into a room to have a discussion and they both come out smiling, they didn’t speak the truth to themselves.
I personally don’t like people who lie to me all in the name of not offending me. Please tell me the truth. Mind you, make sure you are not rude cos I won’t tolerate that…Lol
But the crux of this matter is this; do a re-evaluation of those you call friend and those you call foe. Ask yourself, who is pushing you towards growth, increase and positive actions and who is encouraging you down a destructive path.
I hope this helps somebody today.
Remain blessed.
Lotsa love.
TWITTER: @darhmielawlar

Wednesday 10 July 2013

LOVE WITHOUT THE ROSE TINTS

Love is that warm, gooey, mushy feeling that leaves us feeling all butterfly-ey and tangled up inside, right?

You know how you blush to your toes when you realise your boo has been staring so longingly at you...

I am also so sure you know that "I-never-want-this-feeling-to-end" kind of feeling...

All of these and more typify what most people "in-love" feel. One more of this kind of feeling is the "I-CARE-SO-MUCH-ABOUT-YOU" feeling.

When you are in love, you want to show just how much you care about your partner, right? Great to know we agree on this point.

Now, I am doubtlessly certain that we have heard the saying 'Love is blind, but marriage is the eye-opener". No matter how much of a kill-joy that saying feels like, let me assure you that it is beyond true.

When one is in love, you have all these gooey feelings and intentions towards your partner. When you get married and have to actually live out and express those feelings and intentions; therein lays the tricky part.

Let us examine just one of these feelings. An individual in love would declare that he/she cares deeply for and about his/her partner. That is just so splendid. Now let us break down that declaration.

Caring for and about someone means that person is so important to you. It means you rate the individual’s comfort and happiness very highly, most times above yourself.

Darlings, let me be the first to admit to you that I learnt the cold truth about what it really means to care about someone.
I am in a relationship with one of God's finest specimens of the male specie (THANK YOU! –and those who know him will agree with me *wink*) and I admit I am so in love with him.

Now, he took ill last week and naturally my instinct was to take care of him and nurse him. I had all the good intentions but when it came down to the actual act of implementing my intentions, I realised it wasn’t as rosy and butterfly-ey as I had pictured.

First off, I had to miss work on a Monday, just so that I could take him to the hospital. As if that wasn’t bad enough, I got infected with the flu he was being treated for and by Tuesday evening, I was quite ill myself.

Now things got really interesting. Here I was feeling very ill and woozy from the cold I had, yet I had to continue caring for my baby. I had to cook, drive around to get his drugs and generally cater to and nurse him. I would not deceive you brethren and say it felt good- cos it didn’t!

Were there times I wanted to lie back and be pampered myself? Of course, you bet there were?
Did I feel like quitting and asking that someone acknowledge that I was also ill? Definitely!
But did I stop? NO.

You want to know why... Cos I truly love and care about him. I am willing to inconvenience myself for him. I am willing to put my own desires on the back-burner for a little bit and focus on his needs.

I learnt a big lesson during this episode: love, commitment and marriage is nothing like the image most of us have in our heads. It involves real life issues and actions. Marriage is not that 24hr state of euphoria that some of us picture it to be. Marriage is sharing your life with someone else. Marriage means being with your spouse through everything they experience and go through. Marriage means being there during sickness, health, good mood, bad mood, failure, success, elation, depression....name it

Ladies, please look beyond his perfectly starched H&C shirt, his impeccable accent and the fact that he always smells so nice. Picture him hurdled over a toilet bowl purging because of the food poisoning he got from eating the salad at his last business meeting. Does he still appeal to you in that state? Do you still care about him enough to clean up his mess if he misses the toilet bowl while rushing into the toilet to do the no. 2?

Guys, take your eyes off those killer-curves, perfect hair and well-manicured nails. Picture her throwing up on your favourite Billionaire tie and farting incessantly during the early stages of her pregnancy. Picture her with her spit-can, swollen nose and humongous feet during the last trimester. Picture her wearing her hairnet and bathroom slippers trying to chase your 2 year old son around the house while cooking your dinner when all you want is a minute of peace and quiet. Do you shudder at the thought of that?

Friends, marriage is an eye-opener. It takes the rose-tints off this phenomenon called love. Love is beyond the external or the exterior. It is more about the internal and the interior.

Whenever you say you love someone or care about someone, take a minute to pause and reflect on what you really mean. Weigh the implication of your declaration.

Ladies, declaring that you love a man enough to marry him means you are willingly submitting to him. Ask yourself, can you give up some of your career goals just to manage his home-affairs more efficiently? If he looses his job, will you still accord him as much respect as you do at the moment?

Guys, declaring that you love a woman enough to marry her means you are willing to make her the sole object of your sexual fulfilment. Ask yourself, if after she has had children for you, the curves are no longer as sleek as they were, would you still find her attractive? Would you still be proud enough to say she is the most beautiful woman in the world to you? 

There is a place for the mushiness and the gooey-ness of love, true. But of far more importance is the place of honest self-examination.

For me, the events of the past week made me do some self-examining of my own. I realised that even though caring for my beloved was not the easiest or most fun thing to do, I did it willingly and I feel so satisified. All I wanted was for him to get better.

And let me quickly balance this up. Please make sure the individual you are committing this much of yourself to is worth the hassle. Don’t throw your treasure to the swine. Ensure that this person will do the same and even more for you if the roles were reversed. Anything short of this is tantamount to pouring water into a basket. If you feel you have so much sacrificial love in you that you need to lavish on someone, go to an orphanage or a home for the less-privileged and love up on them. Being in love makes you act the fool once in a while but that’s okay so long as your partner will also act the fool for you. Stop being a foolish fool.

To be fair to my baby, he was really appreciative of everything I did and he didn’t hesitate to show just how he felt. I could garner the inner strength I needed to care for him because I am more than rest assured he will do more for me if he were in my shoes. Call it selfishness or whatever, I will N.E.V.E.R be in a relationship with a man who doesn’t bring at least the same strength of emotional commitment into it as I do.

On a final note, please open your eyes when dealing with love-issues. Enjoy the sparkly, giddy feeling it brings but remember to take off those rose-tinted shades and ask yourself what really lies behind the gooey-ness.

I love you all.

Talk to y'all later.

Feel free to drop a comment.

Twitter : @darhmielawlar


Tuesday 9 July 2013

LETTING GO & LOVING YOU

Hey everyone.

It’s been a while since I blogged. Work has been really demanding and somehow I just kept pushing blogging down my priority list. I am going to work really hard to keep putting up posts.

Now, to my thoughts for today...

Sometimes, getting into a relationship means letting go of things that were once dear to you. These could include activities or habits that have become like a second nature to you.

One of such is Pride. Women of this age have grown to be very self-sufficient and along with that can come a feeling of pride. You may need to let go of your pride if you want a successful relationship.  Submitting to a man requires a great deal of humility, especially if he is not as affluent or as educated as you are. Plus apologizing and owning up to your mistakes isn’t necessarily the easiest thing to do, you know...

Some of the friends you kept as a single lady cannot be a part of your transition into a wife and mother (to-be). Yes, you had your fun times together and all that, but if you want to have a successful and peaceful relationship cum home, not all friends are needed. That friend of yours who constantly preaches and practices gender equality isn’t really your best option for a ‘soul-sister’ if you are in an altar-bound relationship, especially with an African man. Miss me with that feminism rant; I think it’s just a desperate cry for attention. Why should I spend my whole life trying to prove that I am as good as the very thing that I am not - a man? I am not a man, can never be a man and will never aspire to be a man. Feminism sounds good in theories and textbooks, translating it to real-life scenarios can be a very bad idea.

Ladies, sometimes your independence and self-sufficiency has to be buried. A man wants to feel needed. You better make him feel like “the man” in your life. I never said for you to become a spineless worm neither did I say for you to hide your true status. Allow him see your strengths and accomplishments but keep it all aside and let him take over whenever he is around. All that “I’ve got my thing going on-Miss independent” crap has to die. He should come pick you out for dinner even if it means leaving your Mercedes G-Class parked and riding in his Toyota. He should open the door for you. He should be the handyman around the house. Allow him be the boss whenever you are together. Ego is like oxygen to the typical man. Stroke his ego and you’ll find that men are really just grown babies.

Your freedom to do as you like ends once you become a Mrs. You need to please your husband, not just for his own sake, but for your own peace of mind too. Cook the dishes he likes. And yes I said COOK. What good is a woman who cannot cook? If you find out he likes a particular look or scent, incorporate it into your style. 
You can no longer go and come as you wish. Hanging out all night long with your single sisters cannot feature on your routine weekend plans. 

A committed relationship and marriage comes along with a big bag of responsibilities. You cannot be irresponsible and expect to have the ‘heaven on earth’ experience in your home.

However, there is one thing you must never let go off. This is regardless of how fine or rich or posh or spiritual or anointed or intelligent or (fill-in-the-blank) he is.

Ladies, NEVER EVER EVER let go off your self-esteem.
If he treats you like you should be grateful that he is with you, you need to take a walk.
If he is abusive- physically, verbally, emotionally or psychologically- please get out of the relationship. 

Being in a relationship or being married is a great, note-worthy accomplishment but it is definitely not the be-all and say-all of your existence as a woman. 
Do not worship the ground any man walks on, that is flat-out IDOLATRY. No man is God. If he does not appreciate your good, bad and ugly; he is not worth the hassle.

Learn to love yourself adequately. You can never have a healthy self-esteem if you don’t love yourself. Please note that what I am referring to here is not self-pleasuring. I am talking about appreciating yourself and believing you deserve the best. 

One good way to do this – especially if you loathe your body- is to stand naked in front of a mirror, stare pointedly at every part of your body and make sure you say something nice about it. 
Truth be told, it may not necessarily be the easiest thing to do at first but you have to fake it till you make it. Repeat it to yourself every morning until you believe it.

I am not telling you to deceive yourself. If you need to hit the gym to loose a few kilograms, by all means please do so. What I am saying is to love yourself through the process. Love the fat you, love the sweaty you, love the aching you ;only then will you be able to love the person you become after you have lost all the extra weight and toned up nicely.

Ladies, if you refuse to love this present you, please be assured that you will never love whoever you become. If you hate your size 18 figure, even when you work out and become a size 10, you will still find something to hate about yourself - maybe the extra skin that jiggles around when you move. And even if your body is perfect, you will channel that self-loathing to something else.

Love the uneducated you while you attend weekend classes and work two jobs and still go to night school. Only then can you love the B.SC or MSC holder that you will become.

Love the single, unattached you while you are making yourself available to be found. Only then can you love the engaged and married you.

Self-loathing is a vicious cycle that you want to avoid by all means.

This write-up started out with a part on the things you may need to give-up when you get into a committed relationship or marriage. But I am ending with an admonition that you never give up your self-esteem.

If that man walks because you refuse to become his mindless zombie, it’s okay. It’ll hurt for a while- it takes longer for people like me. But know that it’ll definitely stop hurting one day. 

You may never find someone as ‘perfect’ as he was, but you are giving yourself the chance to be found by another man who will treat you like the Queen that you are. 

As time goes by, you will come to understand that it is not really about how perfect a man is, but how perfectly he loves your imperfections. 

Stay blessed.

Love you silly.