LOVE & HONO(U)R

WELCOME BACK. IT’S BEEN A WHILE…

I WROTE THIS POST LAST DECEMBER AND I HAVE NO IDEA HOW I FORGOT TO PUT IT UP. ANWAYS HERE’S FOR YOUR READING PLEASURE.

ENJOY…

I learn lessons every day.

I wish I were more disciplined to write them down as they come.

Anyways, that’s why I have a blog.

This morning, I had a conversation with a friend that got me thinking.

How much do you love your family? Do they need to be perfect to earn your love?

 By family here, I am referring to those you are related to by blood and this goes beyond your immediate nuclear family.

My family isn’t perfect. We have all kinds of people in it. The good, the bad and the ugly. But guess what, I love my family. I wouldn’t trade them for the world. 

To be honest, I definitely love some of them from a distanceeeeeee but I still love them.

Whether you agree or not, your family shaped you. You are the person you are because of the experiences you have been through (good and bad). And most times, your family is at the center of these experiences, especially in a culture as family-oriented as the African culture.

My admonition this morning is for you to make sure you love your family (from a distance if need be, but please love them). 

Do not take kindly to people talking them down. Even if your father is a drunk and your mother is a prostitute, they are still your earthly parents. The most disrespectful thing you can do is to openly talk them down.

Am I asking you to turn a blind eye to reality? NO. Even if you wanted to, reality has a way of forcing your eyes open.

My point is this: you shouldn’t encourage people in insulting your family. Acknowledge the facts but don’t step to the other side and turn on your family. If the evidence of bad behavio(u)r is overwhelming and you will look stupid trying to refute it, there is no shame in stepping up and saying “Hey guys, this is my **** we are talking about here. I acknowledge they have done such and such, but could you please not be so disrespectful, at least in my presence”.

In the first place, no-one should feel comfortable talking down your family especially your parents and siblings in your presence. If they do, then there is a huge problem. A problem you caused and you need to rectify.

Yes, your mum is morbidly obese, but it’s not your place to crack jokes about it in the midst of your friends saying she’s as huge as a whale. Miss me with that psychologists babble about deflecting sensitive issues by making jokes of it yourself, there is NO excuse for making fun of your parents. 

“Yo mama” jokes are funny, but they depict the sad loss of respect this generation has for parents. 

You want to find out what the Holy Bible says about respecting your parents?

Exodus 20:12   "Honour your father and your mother, so that you may live long in the land the LORD your God is giving you.

Ephesian 6:2-3 Honour your father and mother (which is the first commandment with a promise), so that it may be well with you, and that you may live long on the earth.

 Matthew 15:4 For God said, 'Honour your father and mother' and 'anyone who curses their father or mother is to be put to death.'

Mark 7:10 For Moses said, 'Honour your father and mother,' and, 'Anyone who curses their father or mother is to be put to death.'

Little wonder, so many young people in this generation have their lives cut short.

Nothing happens in isolation. This is a generation where being respectful is seen as “uncool” and your rudeness determines your ranking on the “hot or not” list; a generation where talking back to your parents is the norm instead of the exception. 

So long as this wave of dishonouring parents continues, the repercussions stated in the Bible will continue.

Hard pill to swallow, huh…

Anyway, back to my starting point:

LOVE YOUR FAMILY.

Be it from a distance, physically via your words and actions or by praying for them, just ensure you love your family. Do not be disrespect your family, neither should you disrespect any other family.

I can assure you it is not the easiest thing to do, but that’s not a valid excuse not to do it.

If you have hated or talked down your family and you want to change, start small. Today is a good starting point. Send “just-because” wishes to that person you haven’t spoken to in so long.

Baby steps are better than stagnation. Just make sure you keep at it. The most important fact is that you have acknowledged your actions were wrong and you need to change.

All the best.

Loads of love.

I am always available via my inbox for any further conversations or clarifications.

NOTE TO THE 21ST CENTURY CHURCH-GOER (WORKER)

So this post here is a little departure from my usual relationship posts but it has to do with the most important relationship in my life- my relationship with my heavenly Father.

I have been doing a whole lot of soul-searching of late and this is the message I have been preaching to myself. I just thought to share and hope it will bless at least one soul.

In this knowledge-crazy generation that we live in, so many people have found succour in spirituality. Almost everybody has a “religion” that he/she practises.

I am a Christian. Unashamedly so. And so are so many others.

But there is one real fear that constantly tugs at my heart. How many of us professed Christians are really registered in God’s book as His children?

You see, going to church is like a fashion fad nowadays, everybody does it. It’s the in-thing to belong to the coolest church. The church you attend is now like your latest and most trendy accessory.

Hmmmm… a wise man once said to me “Dami, if you will serve God, you better make sure you are serving Him wholly and completely. And if you want to be a sinner, you had better made sure you enjoy every sinful pleasure this world has to offer. There is no reward for half-measures”.

Let me break that down. After life is death and then judgment. Where you spend eternity is dependent on the life you lived here on earth. You either got to heaven or hell. There is NO sitting on the fence.

It is easy to get carried away by church activities and the religiosity of it all. But the most important factor is your intimate relationship with Christ. You can be the most gifted vocalist in the choir and still end up in hell. You can be the most dedicated and the most punctual usher and still end up in hell-fire. You can be the most reliable worker in your church office and still end up in hell.

Eternity does not respond to activity. Eternity responds to a relationship – your relationship with Christ.

You are either a Christian or you are not. Mixing worldly pleasures with your Christian walk is a fundamental error. You can’t be a sinner from Monday through to Saturday and on Sunday; you dust your Bible and stroll into church. Do you think God is deceived? He sees through the fabric of your being to the very heart of your soul. He knows if you are His or not.

I said all of that to say this, church activity will never take you to heaven. A relationship with God will.

If you are engaged in so much church activity and yet you indulge in secret sin, you are wallowing in folly. You know why? Cos you loose here and you loose in eternity too.

If you want to sin, you better make sure you sin explicitly so that when you get to hell, you can be sure of what earned you a place there. Landing in hell-fire is not a function of how big or small or secret or open your sin is. It’s a function of SINNING. It’s that simple. Making heaven is not based on the fact that your good moments were more than your sinful moments. It’s a function of the state of your heart…your relationship with God.

Church-goer or church-worker, please make sure all your actions are rooted out of a genuine relationship with Christ. If not, it’s all a grand waste of time.

Let me balance this up. Christians slip and fall. Yes, a Christian can make a mistake and sin. The essential thing is getting up and going back to our Father in repentance. A true Christian is never comfortable in a sinful state.

The crux of the matter is this…choose you this day where you want to spend eternity and live your every moment chasing that destination.

Love y'all

LISTENING TO OR LISTENING FOR

When I was much younger, I read a book titled “From the kitchen window” or something like that (can’t remember clearly now-will have to ask my mom). I cannot remember what the book was about but what struck me most was the fact that most of what was written came from insights received by the author while she was working on her household chores (hence the title).

This morning, I was going through an old journal of mine and I saw an entry I made on the 31^st of December 2008 from an insight I received while working in the kitchen.

It blessed me again and I decided to share.

“Most people, when they want to hear from God make the mistake of focusing only on trying to LISTEN TO God’s voice. You are supposed to also LISTEN FOR God’s voice.

You can only listen to something when you know when or where exactly it will come from. You listen for something when you do not know the exact when or where it will come from.

Since you cannot pin God down and predict His every action, you have to learn to listen for and not just to His voice.”

God speaks through His Words in the Bible but He can also speak to you through anything.

If He could speak through a donkey as can be found in Numbers 22, then best believe He can speak to you through a child, your boss or even that person that dislikes you.

He can speak to you through circumstances. He can speak to you through nature. He can speak to you in any way He desires.

My whole point is this; when you ask God for something, don’t put Him in a box and expect Him to respond or speak to you in a certain way. You will most likely miss His response that way.

I know the Bible contains some revelation of God’s personality but let us never forget that God is infinite, we can never know Him completely.

HE IS GOD. His ways are not our ways and His thoughts are not ours. They are so far apart.

Isaiah 55:8-9 - "I don't think the way you think. The way you work isn't the way I work." God's Decree.  For as the sky soars high above earth, so the way I work surpasses the way you work, and the way I think is beyond the way you think.” (Message Bible)

Most times, when we ask God for something, our expectations are based on our very-limited and myopic knowledge.  God’s response comes from His knowledge of the end from the beginning. You cannot expect that you will completely understand His thought process and predict how His response will come through.

Always keep an open mind and have an ear waiting to hear and see God in any(and) everything.

I hope this blessed someone.

Love you always,

Darhmie…

FRIEND OR FOE

Hi there…how was your weekend?

Restful, I hope.

So I was doing a little thinking today and I decide to put my thoughts down in a post.

Now ladies, remember when you first hit puberty and your breasts began to develop. I am certain a lot of us went through that phase when our budding breasts were so tender and painful. For some of us, the pain was to the point where you couldn’t make any sudden movements like jumping down form your bunker bed or engaging in sporting activities. However, after a while, the tenderness and pain subsided and now we have these beautiful mounds on our chests.

My point…Growth is sometimes or most times, painful. It is definitely not the most convenient of phases. But with growth comes increase and new levels. This applies to our lives as individuals also.

Like in Biology, in real-life growth has catalysts and inhibitors. Chief among them are people. We can classify every person we have a relationship with (regardless of what type of relationship it is) into two broad categories; Friends and Foes.

Interestingly, most times we mis-classify the people in our lives. Those who should be friends are classified as foes and those who should be foes are seen as friends.

One major deciding factor that I use in classifying the individuals in my life into these categories is how they affect my growth. For those who hinder me, they are foes and those who encourage or help me grow, they are friends.

The interesting thing however is that the actions that usually lead to growth are not comfortable or palatable experiences. Your father who wouldn’t let you play football until you were done with your assignment; your mother who will not allow you eat too many sweets; your teacher who caned you whenever you failed a test; that roommate who is always advising you to party less and study more; that friend who constantly asks you why you allow your boyfriend treat you like trash; that friend who tries to discourage you from smoking cannabis; your pastor who seems to preach at you every Sunday; that cousin that told you to move out of her house cos you were free-loading shamelessly….The list is endless.

Funny enough, these are the people that annoy us. We feel they are intruding into or trying to stop us from enjoying our lives. Whereas they are the one who are trying to make us into better, stronger people. Your dad wanted you to have good grades. Your mum wanted you to be a healthy child.  Your teacher wanted you to be smarter. Your roommate wanted you to have a marketable University degree. Your friend wanted you to be in a better relationship. Your friend wanted you to retain your sanity. Your pastor wanted you to turn away from your sins. Your cousin wanted you to learn responsibility. These are the people I consider to be my friends. It is so easy for us to dislike these people because what they are doing is not palatable to us now, although in the long-run we become better for it. Our myopic nature doesn’t allow us see beyond the here and now.

This same myopic nature doesn’t allow us understand that those who encourage our careless and flippant behaviours are merely hastening us down a destructive path. It’s easy to love the friend that parties with you every weekend over the one who cautions you to slow your roll. It’s easy to love the people who tell us what we want to hear instead of what we need to hear. Those people who sweet-talk us constantly are the real foes.

I would rather have a friend who tells me the bitter truth than one who has never found anything worthy of correction in me. There are some people I have kept as friends for so many years now and the simple reason is that they tell me the bitter truth when I need to hear it.

There is an adage in the South-Western part of Nigeria that says that if two siblings enter into a room to have a discussion and they both come out smiling, they didn’t speak the truth to themselves.

I personally don’t like people who lie to me all in the name of not offending me. Please tell me the truth. Mind you, make sure you are not rude cos I won’t tolerate that…Lol

But the crux of this matter is this; do a re-evaluation of those you call friend and those you call foe. Ask yourself, who is pushing you towards growth, increase and positive actions and who is encouraging you down a destructive path.

I hope this helps somebody today.

Remain blessed.

Lotsa love.

TWITTER: @darhmielawlar

LOVE WITHOUT THE ROSE TINTS

Love is that warm, gooey, mushy feeling that leaves us feeling all butterfly-ey and tangled up inside, right?

You know how you blush to your toes when you realise your boo has been staring so longingly at you...

I am also so sure you know that "I-never-want-this-feeling-to-end" kind of feeling...

All of these and more typify what most people "in-love" feel. One more of this kind of feeling is the "I-CARE-SO-MUCH-ABOUT-YOU" feeling.

When you are in love, you want to show just how much you care about your partner, right? Great to know we agree on this point.

Now, I am doubtlessly certain that we have heard the saying 'Love is blind, but marriage is the eye-opener". No matter how much of a kill-joy that saying feels like, let me assure you that it is beyond true.

When one is in love, you have all these gooey feelings and intentions towards your partner. When you get married and have to actually live out and express those feelings and intentions; therein lays the tricky part.

Let us examine just one of these feelings. An individual in love would declare that he/she cares deeply for and about his/her partner. That is just so splendid. Now let us break down that declaration.

Caring for and about someone means that person is so important to you. It means you rate the individual’s comfort and happiness very highly, most times above yourself.

Darlings, let me be the first to admit to you that I learnt the cold truth about what it really means to care about someone.
I am in a relationship with one of God's finest specimens of the male specie (THANK YOU! –and those who know him will agree with me *wink*) and I admit I am so in love with him.

Now, he took ill last week and naturally my instinct was to take care of him and nurse him. I had all the good intentions but when it came down to the actual act of implementing my intentions, I realised it wasn’t as rosy and butterfly-ey as I had pictured.

First off, I had to miss work on a Monday, just so that I could take him to the hospital. As if that wasn’t bad enough, I got infected with the flu he was being treated for and by Tuesday evening, I was quite ill myself.

Now things got really interesting. Here I was feeling very ill and woozy from the cold I had, yet I had to continue caring for my baby. I had to cook, drive around to get his drugs and generally cater to and nurse him. I would not deceive you brethren and say it felt good- cos it didn’t!

Were there times I wanted to lie back and be pampered myself? Of course, you bet there were?
Did I feel like quitting and asking that someone acknowledge that I was also ill? Definitely!
But did I stop? NO.

You want to know why... Cos I truly love and care about him. I am willing to inconvenience myself for him. I am willing to put my own desires on the back-burner for a little bit and focus on his needs.

I learnt a big lesson during this episode: love, commitment and marriage is nothing like the image most of us have in our heads. It involves real life issues and actions. Marriage is not that 24hr state of euphoria that some of us picture it to be. Marriage is sharing your life with someone else. Marriage means being with your spouse through everything they experience and go through. Marriage means being there during sickness, health, good mood, bad mood, failure, success, elation, depression....name it

Ladies, please look beyond his perfectly starched H&C shirt, his impeccable accent and the fact that he always smells so nice. Picture him hurdled over a toilet bowl purging because of the food poisoning he got from eating the salad at his last business meeting. Does he still appeal to you in that state? Do you still care about him enough to clean up his mess if he misses the toilet bowl while rushing into the toilet to do the no. 2?

Guys, take your eyes off those killer-curves, perfect hair and well-manicured nails. Picture her throwing up on your favourite Billionaire tie and farting incessantly during the early stages of her pregnancy. Picture her with her spit-can, swollen nose and humongous feet during the last trimester. Picture her wearing her hairnet and bathroom slippers trying to chase your 2 year old son around the house while cooking your dinner when all you want is a minute of peace and quiet. Do you shudder at the thought of that?

Friends, marriage is an eye-opener. It takes the rose-tints off this phenomenon called love. Love is beyond the external or the exterior. It is more about the internal and the interior.

Whenever you say you love someone or care about someone, take a minute to pause and reflect on what you really mean. Weigh the implication of your declaration.

Ladies, declaring that you love a man enough to marry him means you are willingly submitting to him. Ask yourself, can you give up some of your career goals just to manage his home-affairs more efficiently? If he looses his job, will you still accord him as much respect as you do at the moment?

Guys, declaring that you love a woman enough to marry her means you are willing to make her the sole object of your sexual fulfilment. Ask yourself, if after she has had children for you, the curves are no longer as sleek as they were, would you still find her attractive? Would you still be proud enough to say she is the most beautiful woman in the world to you? 

There is a place for the mushiness and the gooey-ness of love, true. But of far more importance is the place of honest self-examination.

For me, the events of the past week made me do some self-examining of my own. I realised that even though caring for my beloved was not the easiest or most fun thing to do, I did it willingly and I feel so satisified. All I wanted was for him to get better.

And let me quickly balance this up. Please make sure the individual you are committing this much of yourself to is worth the hassle. Don’t throw your treasure to the swine. Ensure that this person will do the same and even more for you if the roles were reversed. Anything short of this is tantamount to pouring water into a basket. If you feel you have so much sacrificial love in you that you need to lavish on someone, go to an orphanage or a home for the less-privileged and love up on them. Being in love makes you act the fool once in a while but that’s okay so long as your partner will also act the fool for you. Stop being a foolish fool.

To be fair to my baby, he was really appreciative of everything I did and he didn’t hesitate to show just how he felt. I could garner the inner strength I needed to care for him because I am more than rest assured he will do more for me if he were in my shoes. Call it selfishness or whatever, I will N.E.V.E.R be in a relationship with a man who doesn’t bring at least the same strength of emotional commitment into it as I do.

On a final note, please open your eyes when dealing with love-issues. Enjoy the sparkly, giddy feeling it brings but remember to take off those rose-tinted shades and ask yourself what really lies behind the gooey-ness.

I love you all.

Talk to y'all later.

Feel free to drop a comment.

Twitter : @darhmielawlar

LETTING GO & LOVING YOU

Hey everyone.

It’s been a while since I blogged. Work has been really demanding and somehow I just kept pushing blogging down my priority list. I am going to work really hard to keep putting up posts.

Now, to my thoughts for today...

Sometimes, getting into a relationship means letting go of things that were once dear to you. These could include activities or habits that have become like a second nature to you.

One of such is Pride. Women of this age have grown to be very self-sufficient and along with that can come a feeling of pride. You may need to let go of your pride if you want a successful relationship.  Submitting to a man requires a great deal of humility, especially if he is not as affluent or as educated as you are. Plus apologizing and owning up to your mistakes isn’t necessarily the easiest thing to do, you know...

Some of the friends you kept as a single lady cannot be a part of your transition into a wife and mother (to-be). Yes, you had your fun times together and all that, but if you want to have a successful and peaceful relationship cum home, not all friends are needed. That friend of yours who constantly preaches and practices gender equality isn’t really your best option for a ‘soul-sister’ if you are in an altar-bound relationship, especially with an African man. Miss me with that feminism rant; I think it’s just a desperate cry for attention. Why should I spend my whole life trying to prove that I am as good as the very thing that I am not - a man? I am not a man, can never be a man and will never aspire to be a man. Feminism sounds good in theories and textbooks, translating it to real-life scenarios can be a very bad idea.

Ladies, sometimes your independence and self-sufficiency has to be buried. A man wants to feel needed. You better make him feel like “the man” in your life. I never said for you to become a spineless worm neither did I say for you to hide your true status. Allow him see your strengths and accomplishments but keep it all aside and let him take over whenever he is around. All that “I’ve got my thing going on-Miss independent” crap has to die. He should come pick you out for dinner even if it means leaving your Mercedes G-Class parked and riding in his Toyota. He should open the door for you. He should be the handyman around the house. Allow him be the boss whenever you are together. Ego is like oxygen to the typical man. Stroke his ego and you’ll find that men are really just grown babies.

Your freedom to do as you like ends once you become a Mrs. You need to please your husband, not just for his own sake, but for your own peace of mind too. Cook the dishes he likes. And yes I said COOK. What good is a woman who cannot cook? If you find out he likes a particular look or scent, incorporate it into your style. 

You can no longer go and come as you wish. Hanging out all night long with your single sisters cannot feature on your routine weekend plans. 

A committed relationship and marriage comes along with a big bag of responsibilities. You cannot be irresponsible and expect to have the ‘heaven on earth’ experience in your home.

However, there is one thing you must never let go off. This is regardless of how fine or rich or posh or spiritual or anointed or intelligent or (fill-in-the-blank) he is.

Ladies, NEVER EVER EVER let go off your self-esteem.

If he treats you like you should be grateful that he is with you, you need to take a walk.

If he is abusive- physically, verbally, emotionally or psychologically- please get out of the relationship. 

Being in a relationship or being married is a great, note-worthy accomplishment but it is definitely not the be-all and say-all of your existence as a woman. 

Do not worship the ground any man walks on, that is flat-out IDOLATRY. No man is God. If he does not appreciate your good, bad and ugly; he is not worth the hassle.

Learn to love yourself adequately. You can never have a healthy self-esteem if you don’t love yourself. Please note that what I am referring to here is not self-pleasuring. I am talking about appreciating yourself and believing you deserve the best. 

One good way to do this – especially if you loathe your body- is to stand naked in front of a mirror, stare pointedly at every part of your body and make sure you say something nice about it. 

Truth be told, it may not necessarily be the easiest thing to do at first but you have to fake it till you make it. Repeat it to yourself every morning until you believe it.

I am not telling you to deceive yourself. If you need to hit the gym to loose a few kilograms, by all means please do so. What I am saying is to love yourself through the process. Love the fat you, love the sweaty you, love the aching you ;only then will you be able to love the person you become after you have lost all the extra weight and toned up nicely.

Ladies, if you refuse to love this present you, please be assured that you will never love whoever you become. If you hate your size 18 figure, even when you work out and become a size 10, you will still find something to hate about yourself - maybe the extra skin that jiggles around when you move. And even if your body is perfect, you will channel that self-loathing to something else.

Love the uneducated you while you attend weekend classes and work two jobs and still go to night school. Only then can you love the B.SC or MSC holder that you will become.

Love the single, unattached you while you are making yourself available to be found. Only then can you love the engaged and married you.

Self-loathing is a vicious cycle that you want to avoid by all means.

This write-up started out with a part on the things you may need to give-up when you get into a committed relationship or marriage. But I am ending with an admonition that you never give up your self-esteem.

If that man walks because you refuse to become his mindless zombie, it’s okay. It’ll hurt for a while- it takes longer for people like me. But know that it’ll definitely stop hurting one day. 

You may never find someone as ‘perfect’ as he was, but you are giving yourself the chance to be found by another man who will treat you like the Queen that you are. 

As time goes by, you will come to understand that it is not really about how perfect a man is, but how perfectly he loves your imperfections. 

Stay blessed.

Love you silly.

THE (other) "S" WORD

 Now, lets talk about the “S” Word. Not that “S” word people….the other “S” word.
That’s right…SUBMISSION…
I swear, I can almost see some ladies cringe at the sight of that word. Some of you are already shaking your heads, slanting your lips and getting into your don’t-mess-with-me moods. I really feel you all on that because trust me, some men have left women with a bitter taste in their mouths when it comes to submission.
Now, as is usual with me and since the Bible is my highest and final Authority on any matter, let’s see what it has to say about submission.
Eph 5:21-24 says “21 And be subject to one another in the fear of Christ. 22 Wives, be subject to your own husbands, as to the Lord. 23 For the husband is the head of the wife, as Christ also is the head of the church, He Himself being the Savior of the body. 24 But as the church is subject to Christ, so also the wives ought to be to their husbands in everything. “
Now, let me try to explain this a little. Follow me carefully here…it may be a bit long-winded but please try…
“The difficulty with understanding Paul’s command to wives to “be subject” to their own husbands is that our grasp of the meaning of the word “submit” is too narrow. Generally speaking, we think that the word “submit” is synonymous with the word “obey.” We are inclined to restrict submission to refer only to our response to those who are in authority over us. Very often, this is the case—but not always. Paul’s instruction in verse 21 is directed to every believer. Christians, without exception, are to “be subject to one another,” without any exceptions. Submission, then, must not only work “upward” (in terms of authority), but also downward. And so it is that submission is called for on the part of husbands to their wives (5:22-33), fathers to their children (6:1-4), and masters to their slaves (6:5-9).
The idea implicit in the term is “to place under” (in the active voice).¹³⁸ As it is found in our text, the idea would be, “to subordinate oneself” or “to place oneself under.” In general terms, submission is the placing of oneself under the one to whom we submit. Since we are commanded to submit ourselves one to another, we are to place all others above ourselves. This idea is certainly not foreign to the New Testament, nor is it found only where the term “submit” is employed:
I doubt that any one word can sum up the essence of what the Scriptures mean by submission. Let me suggest several words, each of which identifies a certain element of submission. The first word is “surrender.” Submission is a voluntary act or surrendering one’s rights or will. The second word is” sacrifice.” The third is “service.” The service which is rendered those to whom we submit often involves a sacrifice. It costs us something to render service to the other person. A fourth term is “authority,” while a fifth is “obedience.” When we submit to one who has authority over us, we should evidence this submission, in part, by our obedience. Conversely, when we submit to those under our authority, we evidence this with sacrificial service. I final term is “priority.” Those to who we submit have, in some manner, priority over us, our rights, our pleasure, or our will.”
{culled from; The Submission of the Christian Wife (Ephesians 5:21-32)Study By: Bob Deffinbaugh . I recommend you read the whole article on http://bible.org/seriespage/submission-christian-wife-ephesians-521-32 }

Now that we have cleared that up, lets get to the root of why I am writing this. This is not a write up on the rightness or wrongness of submitting to one’s husband. There is no debating that.
I just want to share my thoughts on a few things.
Firstly, I wont ever delude myself or anybody by saying submission is easy or simple or innate. No, submission is deliberate, sometimes painful but always a product of a selfless decision; the decision to place someone else above ourselves. We are all human beings and preferring someone else to ourselves is easily one of the hardest things we might ever have to do.
Submission in itself is “hard” enough. What stomps me is why we, the church, have decided to make it even harder or almost impossible. Before someone chops my head off, allow me explain. Women nowadays are almost expected to not have high (not unrealistic) expectations. Once a lady makes the mistake of saying she would rather have a man with a good job and some financial stability, people gang up on her and make her feel like she is being greedy.
Now, excuse me for a moment cos I am about to go off tangent and tackle this point real quick. Why, for heavens’ sakes, should I be condemned for wanting something good?! I mean, men are not condemned for wanting a woman with goodly, godly qualities, submissive, respectful, beautiful, kind and all those other things men usually want. Once a woman says she wants a man who can provide for her, why should she be condemned and criticized? After all, it is the man’s responsibility to provide…1 Timothy 5:8>>>you remember, don’t you.. that scripture that says a man who doesn’t provide for his family has denied the faith and is worse than an infidel….
Let me balance this out by saying her expectations shouldn’t be unrealistic but really, in all fairness, what is wrong in a woman wanting a man who can provide for her and take care of her needs?
This ties in directly to my issue with submission and submissiveness. Women, in so many varying ways, have always made it clear the kind of men they can submit to but the society has made us so self-conscious of it to the point that we deny ourselves of what we truly desire.
Every woman is different and she is wired so differently. Why do people assume all women must be able to submit to any kind of man, so long as he is a man? Men have their preferences in the kinds of women they can live with? Why should women be shut in a box and told to accept any man that comes their way? This is so predominant in the African society and it bothers me so much.
I, for instance, know what I want in a man and I WILL NOT apologise for it or lower my standards just to please the general public. Because, guess what?! the general public ain’t gon be there when you are going through hell cos you married someone you shouldn’t have married.
It will be really DIFFICULT for me to submit to a man that I earn more than or whom I am more educated than. It will be close to impossible for me to submit to a man who needs me to motivate him to pray in the morning. It will be virtually unthinkable for me to submit to a man who is not submitted to Christ.
But so many people tell me to relax my standards all in the name of making sure I get married and that too at the “right” time. But the honest truth is, I can’t. Because I am more concerned about my future than about pleasing people.
Let me paint two scenarios here to help elucidate my point;
Firstly, imagine that a man was asked to build a house in which he would live for a long time and he was given total discretion as to the dimensions and measurement of the house including the ceiling height. Now, won’t you count it absolute stupidity if he, knowing his height to be well above 6ft decides to put the ceiling height at 5ft10? I don’t need to describe the discomfort that will follow living in such a house. He is going to have to constantly bend his back while walking. He’ll keep bumping his head into the wall and ceilings and all. Tell me, does it sound like a wise thing to do? I am sure you are saying, well he should have just built something that will be high enough for him to stand upright in.
Another example is that of a man who struggles with lust and immorality. Now this man has a thing for slim, petite, dark-skinned sisters. All rational thought leaves his being once he sights one. This brother, then on the recommendation of well-meaning friends and family hires a lady that fits that description to a ‘T’, to be his personal assistant. His reasons; everybody says she is well qualified and having a personal assistant at the right time is extremely needful. Now, you and I both know that if this man doesn’t lay it on thick with this lady, he’s going to spend every minute of the day fighting off the little demon of lust that will be camped on his shoulder. I am so certain some of you are thinking, well he had a choice in hiring the lady and so he should live with his choice.
In both situations, the people here had choices available to them, yet they decided to go for the “harder” option. That’s my whole point. Most women know what would be an “harder” option for them, yet due to pressures from family, the church and society, they enter into such marriages. No marriage is conflict-free, but why make it harder for yourself?
The wise, sane thing to do is to marry a man whose excesses you can live with and submit to. If you can’t submit to him regardless of whether  you are sure of if he is right or wrong, then there is a big problem.
Ladies, we need to look ourselves in the mirror more often and when we are done admiring God’s masterpiece staring back at us, tell ourselves the HARD, BITTER truth. If I ever make the mistake of dating and/or marrying a man who cannot lead me in my Christian faith, I know that relationship/marriage is headed for the rocks. Now, that’s just me. For some sisters, the idea of nurturing their man up in the ways of Christ appeals to them. That’s fine for them and if that’s what they want, LEAVE THEM BE! Don’t force them to do otherwise.
If a woman prefers a man who has a good job and who is financially stable, leave her be (so long as her expectations are realistic). In this situation, the lady too is expected to have a stable source of income too…but then that’s just my opinion.
Let me however issue a disclaimer. In NO WAY do I support or condone unreasonable expectations. I don’t accept women looking for men to “sponsor” them and their families. I am not in support of gold-diggers. I don’t support lazy, complacent women who feel men are just a paycheck machine. I don’t support women who expect a man to be SERIOUSLY made and paid before they can date him. I think it is really downright cheapening for a woman to base her being with a man solely on the size of his wallet.
All that having been said, please realize that this is just me airing my opinions on this really vital but touchy subject. I hope it made you think twice on whatever your opinion has been up until this minute….
Cheers. And I really do love you….
 Let me know what you think.....