FRIEND OR FOE

Hi there…how was your weekend?

Restful, I hope.

So I was doing a little thinking today and I decide to put my thoughts down in a post.

Now ladies, remember when you first hit puberty and your breasts began to develop. I am certain a lot of us went through that phase when our budding breasts were so tender and painful. For some of us, the pain was to the point where you couldn’t make any sudden movements like jumping down form your bunker bed or engaging in sporting activities. However, after a while, the tenderness and pain subsided and now we have these beautiful mounds on our chests.

My point…Growth is sometimes or most times, painful. It is definitely not the most convenient of phases. But with growth comes increase and new levels. This applies to our lives as individuals also.

Like in Biology, in real-life growth has catalysts and inhibitors. Chief among them are people. We can classify every person we have a relationship with (regardless of what type of relationship it is) into two broad categories; Friends and Foes.

Interestingly, most times we mis-classify the people in our lives. Those who should be friends are classified as foes and those who should be foes are seen as friends.

One major deciding factor that I use in classifying the individuals in my life into these categories is how they affect my growth. For those who hinder me, they are foes and those who encourage or help me grow, they are friends.

The interesting thing however is that the actions that usually lead to growth are not comfortable or palatable experiences. Your father who wouldn’t let you play football until you were done with your assignment; your mother who will not allow you eat too many sweets; your teacher who caned you whenever you failed a test; that roommate who is always advising you to party less and study more; that friend who constantly asks you why you allow your boyfriend treat you like trash; that friend who tries to discourage you from smoking cannabis; your pastor who seems to preach at you every Sunday; that cousin that told you to move out of her house cos you were free-loading shamelessly….The list is endless.

Funny enough, these are the people that annoy us. We feel they are intruding into or trying to stop us from enjoying our lives. Whereas they are the one who are trying to make us into better, stronger people. Your dad wanted you to have good grades. Your mum wanted you to be a healthy child.  Your teacher wanted you to be smarter. Your roommate wanted you to have a marketable University degree. Your friend wanted you to be in a better relationship. Your friend wanted you to retain your sanity. Your pastor wanted you to turn away from your sins. Your cousin wanted you to learn responsibility. These are the people I consider to be my friends. It is so easy for us to dislike these people because what they are doing is not palatable to us now, although in the long-run we become better for it. Our myopic nature doesn’t allow us see beyond the here and now.

This same myopic nature doesn’t allow us understand that those who encourage our careless and flippant behaviours are merely hastening us down a destructive path. It’s easy to love the friend that parties with you every weekend over the one who cautions you to slow your roll. It’s easy to love the people who tell us what we want to hear instead of what we need to hear. Those people who sweet-talk us constantly are the real foes.

I would rather have a friend who tells me the bitter truth than one who has never found anything worthy of correction in me. There are some people I have kept as friends for so many years now and the simple reason is that they tell me the bitter truth when I need to hear it.

There is an adage in the South-Western part of Nigeria that says that if two siblings enter into a room to have a discussion and they both come out smiling, they didn’t speak the truth to themselves.

I personally don’t like people who lie to me all in the name of not offending me. Please tell me the truth. Mind you, make sure you are not rude cos I won’t tolerate that…Lol

But the crux of this matter is this; do a re-evaluation of those you call friend and those you call foe. Ask yourself, who is pushing you towards growth, increase and positive actions and who is encouraging you down a destructive path.

I hope this helps somebody today.

Remain blessed.

Lotsa love.

TWITTER: @darhmielawlar

LOVE WITHOUT THE ROSE TINTS

Love is that warm, gooey, mushy feeling that leaves us feeling all butterfly-ey and tangled up inside, right?

You know how you blush to your toes when you realise your boo has been staring so longingly at you...

I am also so sure you know that "I-never-want-this-feeling-to-end" kind of feeling...

All of these and more typify what most people "in-love" feel. One more of this kind of feeling is the "I-CARE-SO-MUCH-ABOUT-YOU" feeling.

When you are in love, you want to show just how much you care about your partner, right? Great to know we agree on this point.

Now, I am doubtlessly certain that we have heard the saying 'Love is blind, but marriage is the eye-opener". No matter how much of a kill-joy that saying feels like, let me assure you that it is beyond true.

When one is in love, you have all these gooey feelings and intentions towards your partner. When you get married and have to actually live out and express those feelings and intentions; therein lays the tricky part.

Let us examine just one of these feelings. An individual in love would declare that he/she cares deeply for and about his/her partner. That is just so splendid. Now let us break down that declaration.

Caring for and about someone means that person is so important to you. It means you rate the individual’s comfort and happiness very highly, most times above yourself.

Darlings, let me be the first to admit to you that I learnt the cold truth about what it really means to care about someone.
I am in a relationship with one of God's finest specimens of the male specie (THANK YOU! –and those who know him will agree with me *wink*) and I admit I am so in love with him.

Now, he took ill last week and naturally my instinct was to take care of him and nurse him. I had all the good intentions but when it came down to the actual act of implementing my intentions, I realised it wasn’t as rosy and butterfly-ey as I had pictured.

First off, I had to miss work on a Monday, just so that I could take him to the hospital. As if that wasn’t bad enough, I got infected with the flu he was being treated for and by Tuesday evening, I was quite ill myself.

Now things got really interesting. Here I was feeling very ill and woozy from the cold I had, yet I had to continue caring for my baby. I had to cook, drive around to get his drugs and generally cater to and nurse him. I would not deceive you brethren and say it felt good- cos it didn’t!

Were there times I wanted to lie back and be pampered myself? Of course, you bet there were?
Did I feel like quitting and asking that someone acknowledge that I was also ill? Definitely!
But did I stop? NO.

You want to know why... Cos I truly love and care about him. I am willing to inconvenience myself for him. I am willing to put my own desires on the back-burner for a little bit and focus on his needs.

I learnt a big lesson during this episode: love, commitment and marriage is nothing like the image most of us have in our heads. It involves real life issues and actions. Marriage is not that 24hr state of euphoria that some of us picture it to be. Marriage is sharing your life with someone else. Marriage means being with your spouse through everything they experience and go through. Marriage means being there during sickness, health, good mood, bad mood, failure, success, elation, depression....name it

Ladies, please look beyond his perfectly starched H&C shirt, his impeccable accent and the fact that he always smells so nice. Picture him hurdled over a toilet bowl purging because of the food poisoning he got from eating the salad at his last business meeting. Does he still appeal to you in that state? Do you still care about him enough to clean up his mess if he misses the toilet bowl while rushing into the toilet to do the no. 2?

Guys, take your eyes off those killer-curves, perfect hair and well-manicured nails. Picture her throwing up on your favourite Billionaire tie and farting incessantly during the early stages of her pregnancy. Picture her with her spit-can, swollen nose and humongous feet during the last trimester. Picture her wearing her hairnet and bathroom slippers trying to chase your 2 year old son around the house while cooking your dinner when all you want is a minute of peace and quiet. Do you shudder at the thought of that?

Friends, marriage is an eye-opener. It takes the rose-tints off this phenomenon called love. Love is beyond the external or the exterior. It is more about the internal and the interior.

Whenever you say you love someone or care about someone, take a minute to pause and reflect on what you really mean. Weigh the implication of your declaration.

Ladies, declaring that you love a man enough to marry him means you are willingly submitting to him. Ask yourself, can you give up some of your career goals just to manage his home-affairs more efficiently? If he looses his job, will you still accord him as much respect as you do at the moment?

Guys, declaring that you love a woman enough to marry her means you are willing to make her the sole object of your sexual fulfilment. Ask yourself, if after she has had children for you, the curves are no longer as sleek as they were, would you still find her attractive? Would you still be proud enough to say she is the most beautiful woman in the world to you? 

There is a place for the mushiness and the gooey-ness of love, true. But of far more importance is the place of honest self-examination.

For me, the events of the past week made me do some self-examining of my own. I realised that even though caring for my beloved was not the easiest or most fun thing to do, I did it willingly and I feel so satisified. All I wanted was for him to get better.

And let me quickly balance this up. Please make sure the individual you are committing this much of yourself to is worth the hassle. Don’t throw your treasure to the swine. Ensure that this person will do the same and even more for you if the roles were reversed. Anything short of this is tantamount to pouring water into a basket. If you feel you have so much sacrificial love in you that you need to lavish on someone, go to an orphanage or a home for the less-privileged and love up on them. Being in love makes you act the fool once in a while but that’s okay so long as your partner will also act the fool for you. Stop being a foolish fool.

To be fair to my baby, he was really appreciative of everything I did and he didn’t hesitate to show just how he felt. I could garner the inner strength I needed to care for him because I am more than rest assured he will do more for me if he were in my shoes. Call it selfishness or whatever, I will N.E.V.E.R be in a relationship with a man who doesn’t bring at least the same strength of emotional commitment into it as I do.

On a final note, please open your eyes when dealing with love-issues. Enjoy the sparkly, giddy feeling it brings but remember to take off those rose-tinted shades and ask yourself what really lies behind the gooey-ness.

I love you all.

Talk to y'all later.

Feel free to drop a comment.

Twitter : @darhmielawlar

LETTING GO & LOVING YOU

Hey everyone.

It’s been a while since I blogged. Work has been really demanding and somehow I just kept pushing blogging down my priority list. I am going to work really hard to keep putting up posts.

Now, to my thoughts for today...

Sometimes, getting into a relationship means letting go of things that were once dear to you. These could include activities or habits that have become like a second nature to you.

One of such is Pride. Women of this age have grown to be very self-sufficient and along with that can come a feeling of pride. You may need to let go of your pride if you want a successful relationship.  Submitting to a man requires a great deal of humility, especially if he is not as affluent or as educated as you are. Plus apologizing and owning up to your mistakes isn’t necessarily the easiest thing to do, you know...

Some of the friends you kept as a single lady cannot be a part of your transition into a wife and mother (to-be). Yes, you had your fun times together and all that, but if you want to have a successful and peaceful relationship cum home, not all friends are needed. That friend of yours who constantly preaches and practices gender equality isn’t really your best option for a ‘soul-sister’ if you are in an altar-bound relationship, especially with an African man. Miss me with that feminism rant; I think it’s just a desperate cry for attention. Why should I spend my whole life trying to prove that I am as good as the very thing that I am not - a man? I am not a man, can never be a man and will never aspire to be a man. Feminism sounds good in theories and textbooks, translating it to real-life scenarios can be a very bad idea.

Ladies, sometimes your independence and self-sufficiency has to be buried. A man wants to feel needed. You better make him feel like “the man” in your life. I never said for you to become a spineless worm neither did I say for you to hide your true status. Allow him see your strengths and accomplishments but keep it all aside and let him take over whenever he is around. All that “I’ve got my thing going on-Miss independent” crap has to die. He should come pick you out for dinner even if it means leaving your Mercedes G-Class parked and riding in his Toyota. He should open the door for you. He should be the handyman around the house. Allow him be the boss whenever you are together. Ego is like oxygen to the typical man. Stroke his ego and you’ll find that men are really just grown babies.

Your freedom to do as you like ends once you become a Mrs. You need to please your husband, not just for his own sake, but for your own peace of mind too. Cook the dishes he likes. And yes I said COOK. What good is a woman who cannot cook? If you find out he likes a particular look or scent, incorporate it into your style. 

You can no longer go and come as you wish. Hanging out all night long with your single sisters cannot feature on your routine weekend plans. 

A committed relationship and marriage comes along with a big bag of responsibilities. You cannot be irresponsible and expect to have the ‘heaven on earth’ experience in your home.

However, there is one thing you must never let go off. This is regardless of how fine or rich or posh or spiritual or anointed or intelligent or (fill-in-the-blank) he is.

Ladies, NEVER EVER EVER let go off your self-esteem.

If he treats you like you should be grateful that he is with you, you need to take a walk.

If he is abusive- physically, verbally, emotionally or psychologically- please get out of the relationship. 

Being in a relationship or being married is a great, note-worthy accomplishment but it is definitely not the be-all and say-all of your existence as a woman. 

Do not worship the ground any man walks on, that is flat-out IDOLATRY. No man is God. If he does not appreciate your good, bad and ugly; he is not worth the hassle.

Learn to love yourself adequately. You can never have a healthy self-esteem if you don’t love yourself. Please note that what I am referring to here is not self-pleasuring. I am talking about appreciating yourself and believing you deserve the best. 

One good way to do this – especially if you loathe your body- is to stand naked in front of a mirror, stare pointedly at every part of your body and make sure you say something nice about it. 

Truth be told, it may not necessarily be the easiest thing to do at first but you have to fake it till you make it. Repeat it to yourself every morning until you believe it.

I am not telling you to deceive yourself. If you need to hit the gym to loose a few kilograms, by all means please do so. What I am saying is to love yourself through the process. Love the fat you, love the sweaty you, love the aching you ;only then will you be able to love the person you become after you have lost all the extra weight and toned up nicely.

Ladies, if you refuse to love this present you, please be assured that you will never love whoever you become. If you hate your size 18 figure, even when you work out and become a size 10, you will still find something to hate about yourself - maybe the extra skin that jiggles around when you move. And even if your body is perfect, you will channel that self-loathing to something else.

Love the uneducated you while you attend weekend classes and work two jobs and still go to night school. Only then can you love the B.SC or MSC holder that you will become.

Love the single, unattached you while you are making yourself available to be found. Only then can you love the engaged and married you.

Self-loathing is a vicious cycle that you want to avoid by all means.

This write-up started out with a part on the things you may need to give-up when you get into a committed relationship or marriage. But I am ending with an admonition that you never give up your self-esteem.

If that man walks because you refuse to become his mindless zombie, it’s okay. It’ll hurt for a while- it takes longer for people like me. But know that it’ll definitely stop hurting one day. 

You may never find someone as ‘perfect’ as he was, but you are giving yourself the chance to be found by another man who will treat you like the Queen that you are. 

As time goes by, you will come to understand that it is not really about how perfect a man is, but how perfectly he loves your imperfections. 

Stay blessed.

Love you silly.

THE (other) "S" WORD

 Now, lets talk about the “S” Word. Not that “S” word people….the other “S” word.
That’s right…SUBMISSION…
I swear, I can almost see some ladies cringe at the sight of that word. Some of you are already shaking your heads, slanting your lips and getting into your don’t-mess-with-me moods. I really feel you all on that because trust me, some men have left women with a bitter taste in their mouths when it comes to submission.
Now, as is usual with me and since the Bible is my highest and final Authority on any matter, let’s see what it has to say about submission.
Eph 5:21-24 says “21 And be subject to one another in the fear of Christ. 22 Wives, be subject to your own husbands, as to the Lord. 23 For the husband is the head of the wife, as Christ also is the head of the church, He Himself being the Savior of the body. 24 But as the church is subject to Christ, so also the wives ought to be to their husbands in everything. “
Now, let me try to explain this a little. Follow me carefully here…it may be a bit long-winded but please try…
“The difficulty with understanding Paul’s command to wives to “be subject” to their own husbands is that our grasp of the meaning of the word “submit” is too narrow. Generally speaking, we think that the word “submit” is synonymous with the word “obey.” We are inclined to restrict submission to refer only to our response to those who are in authority over us. Very often, this is the case—but not always. Paul’s instruction in verse 21 is directed to every believer. Christians, without exception, are to “be subject to one another,” without any exceptions. Submission, then, must not only work “upward” (in terms of authority), but also downward. And so it is that submission is called for on the part of husbands to their wives (5:22-33), fathers to their children (6:1-4), and masters to their slaves (6:5-9).
The idea implicit in the term is “to place under” (in the active voice).¹³⁸ As it is found in our text, the idea would be, “to subordinate oneself” or “to place oneself under.” In general terms, submission is the placing of oneself under the one to whom we submit. Since we are commanded to submit ourselves one to another, we are to place all others above ourselves. This idea is certainly not foreign to the New Testament, nor is it found only where the term “submit” is employed:
I doubt that any one word can sum up the essence of what the Scriptures mean by submission. Let me suggest several words, each of which identifies a certain element of submission. The first word is “surrender.” Submission is a voluntary act or surrendering one’s rights or will. The second word is” sacrifice.” The third is “service.” The service which is rendered those to whom we submit often involves a sacrifice. It costs us something to render service to the other person. A fourth term is “authority,” while a fifth is “obedience.” When we submit to one who has authority over us, we should evidence this submission, in part, by our obedience. Conversely, when we submit to those under our authority, we evidence this with sacrificial service. I final term is “priority.” Those to who we submit have, in some manner, priority over us, our rights, our pleasure, or our will.”
{culled from; The Submission of the Christian Wife (Ephesians 5:21-32)Study By: Bob Deffinbaugh . I recommend you read the whole article on http://bible.org/seriespage/submission-christian-wife-ephesians-521-32 }

Now that we have cleared that up, lets get to the root of why I am writing this. This is not a write up on the rightness or wrongness of submitting to one’s husband. There is no debating that.
I just want to share my thoughts on a few things.
Firstly, I wont ever delude myself or anybody by saying submission is easy or simple or innate. No, submission is deliberate, sometimes painful but always a product of a selfless decision; the decision to place someone else above ourselves. We are all human beings and preferring someone else to ourselves is easily one of the hardest things we might ever have to do.
Submission in itself is “hard” enough. What stomps me is why we, the church, have decided to make it even harder or almost impossible. Before someone chops my head off, allow me explain. Women nowadays are almost expected to not have high (not unrealistic) expectations. Once a lady makes the mistake of saying she would rather have a man with a good job and some financial stability, people gang up on her and make her feel like she is being greedy.
Now, excuse me for a moment cos I am about to go off tangent and tackle this point real quick. Why, for heavens’ sakes, should I be condemned for wanting something good?! I mean, men are not condemned for wanting a woman with goodly, godly qualities, submissive, respectful, beautiful, kind and all those other things men usually want. Once a woman says she wants a man who can provide for her, why should she be condemned and criticized? After all, it is the man’s responsibility to provide…1 Timothy 5:8>>>you remember, don’t you.. that scripture that says a man who doesn’t provide for his family has denied the faith and is worse than an infidel….
Let me balance this out by saying her expectations shouldn’t be unrealistic but really, in all fairness, what is wrong in a woman wanting a man who can provide for her and take care of her needs?
This ties in directly to my issue with submission and submissiveness. Women, in so many varying ways, have always made it clear the kind of men they can submit to but the society has made us so self-conscious of it to the point that we deny ourselves of what we truly desire.
Every woman is different and she is wired so differently. Why do people assume all women must be able to submit to any kind of man, so long as he is a man? Men have their preferences in the kinds of women they can live with? Why should women be shut in a box and told to accept any man that comes their way? This is so predominant in the African society and it bothers me so much.
I, for instance, know what I want in a man and I WILL NOT apologise for it or lower my standards just to please the general public. Because, guess what?! the general public ain’t gon be there when you are going through hell cos you married someone you shouldn’t have married.
It will be really DIFFICULT for me to submit to a man that I earn more than or whom I am more educated than. It will be close to impossible for me to submit to a man who needs me to motivate him to pray in the morning. It will be virtually unthinkable for me to submit to a man who is not submitted to Christ.
But so many people tell me to relax my standards all in the name of making sure I get married and that too at the “right” time. But the honest truth is, I can’t. Because I am more concerned about my future than about pleasing people.
Let me paint two scenarios here to help elucidate my point;
Firstly, imagine that a man was asked to build a house in which he would live for a long time and he was given total discretion as to the dimensions and measurement of the house including the ceiling height. Now, won’t you count it absolute stupidity if he, knowing his height to be well above 6ft decides to put the ceiling height at 5ft10? I don’t need to describe the discomfort that will follow living in such a house. He is going to have to constantly bend his back while walking. He’ll keep bumping his head into the wall and ceilings and all. Tell me, does it sound like a wise thing to do? I am sure you are saying, well he should have just built something that will be high enough for him to stand upright in.
Another example is that of a man who struggles with lust and immorality. Now this man has a thing for slim, petite, dark-skinned sisters. All rational thought leaves his being once he sights one. This brother, then on the recommendation of well-meaning friends and family hires a lady that fits that description to a ‘T’, to be his personal assistant. His reasons; everybody says she is well qualified and having a personal assistant at the right time is extremely needful. Now, you and I both know that if this man doesn’t lay it on thick with this lady, he’s going to spend every minute of the day fighting off the little demon of lust that will be camped on his shoulder. I am so certain some of you are thinking, well he had a choice in hiring the lady and so he should live with his choice.
In both situations, the people here had choices available to them, yet they decided to go for the “harder” option. That’s my whole point. Most women know what would be an “harder” option for them, yet due to pressures from family, the church and society, they enter into such marriages. No marriage is conflict-free, but why make it harder for yourself?
The wise, sane thing to do is to marry a man whose excesses you can live with and submit to. If you can’t submit to him regardless of whether  you are sure of if he is right or wrong, then there is a big problem.
Ladies, we need to look ourselves in the mirror more often and when we are done admiring God’s masterpiece staring back at us, tell ourselves the HARD, BITTER truth. If I ever make the mistake of dating and/or marrying a man who cannot lead me in my Christian faith, I know that relationship/marriage is headed for the rocks. Now, that’s just me. For some sisters, the idea of nurturing their man up in the ways of Christ appeals to them. That’s fine for them and if that’s what they want, LEAVE THEM BE! Don’t force them to do otherwise.
If a woman prefers a man who has a good job and who is financially stable, leave her be (so long as her expectations are realistic). In this situation, the lady too is expected to have a stable source of income too…but then that’s just my opinion.
Let me however issue a disclaimer. In NO WAY do I support or condone unreasonable expectations. I don’t accept women looking for men to “sponsor” them and their families. I am not in support of gold-diggers. I don’t support lazy, complacent women who feel men are just a paycheck machine. I don’t support women who expect a man to be SERIOUSLY made and paid before they can date him. I think it is really downright cheapening for a woman to base her being with a man solely on the size of his wallet.
All that having been said, please realize that this is just me airing my opinions on this really vital but touchy subject. I hope it made you think twice on whatever your opinion has been up until this minute….
Cheers. And I really do love you….
 Let me know what you think.....

THE IDOL CALLED FASHION

There is almost no subject as controversial to today’s young believers as the issue of fashion. What to wear and what not to wear; how to wear and how not to wear…

I will not even begin to act like I am immune to these problems. Anyone who knows me knows I LOOOVEEE looking good. I mean, I definitely won’t be repping the King of Glory who is Clothed in Wondrous Splendor if I look drab and filthy like something the cat dragged in.

Now the issue is this, we are called to live in this world, but to not be OF the world. Tough one, huh? You know, the devil is the prince of this earth and no matter how we try to contend it; his ways are the acceptable norm on this earth. So, if you are looking to “belong”, you will most likely be conforming to worldly standards.

Today, I’m going to focus on us ladies (yup), but guys, y’all can drop in and glean a little from our bounty. Let’s look at what the Bible says about dressing for women. The most common passage referenced in issues like this is 1 Tim 2:9… ”In like manner also, that the women adorn themselves in modest apparel, with propriety and moderation, not with braided hair or gold or pearls or costly clothing” (NKJV)

You know, despite all the controversy surrounding the interpretation of Scripture in the Modern-day versions, this is one scripture on which they all agree.

Check this out, the NLT version says “And I want women to be modest in their appearance.* They should wear decent and appropriate clothing and not draw attention to themselves by the way they fix their hair or by wearing gold or pearls or expensive clothes…”

The NIV version reads “I also want women to dress modestly, with decency and propriety, not with braided hair or gold or pearls or expensive clothes…”

The NASB version tells us “Likewise, I want women to adorn themselves with proper clothing, *modestly and discreetly, not with braided hair and gold or pearls or costly garments…”

If we will be honest with ourselves, the guideline for how women should dress is laid out plainly. Women should dress modestly, decently, appropriately, discreetly, with propriety and should not walk around like a mobile cash depot.

My issue here is not about the guidelines on how to dress, we all know that. My issue is with how to apply it practically.

Yup! We all know we should dress modestly and discreetly and without drawing attention to our bodies, yada yada yada… Question is, how do I do this?

There is an underlying secret to fulfilling this. When a lady has her heart fixed on God, He becomes the Lover of her soul. She wants to please Him all the time and in every sphere of her life.

Now, let’s be “secular’ for a second here. Stay with me people… Imagine you are in a relationship with the most awesome guy ever! Okay, if you can’t picture that, you remember that secret 5-page long list of the qualities you want your husband to possess (yes, don’t shake your head…we know you have it). Great, now imagine meeting a guy who scores a 10/10 on every single point. Whew!!! Good Lord, that’s a whole lot of awesomeness going on there, right? Now, let’s turn the heat up a little. Imagine he's boinkers about you. I mean, he's dead crazy about you and loves you with a love that knocks your socks off. I am so sure we (me inclusive) will ALWAYS want to please Mr. Oh-So-Awesome. If he says not to do something (bearing in mind he's going to ask perfectly), we will almost definitely stop doing that thing.

Back to earth, people. Our Mr. Oh-So-Awesome is GOD. He is the Perfect and Ultimate Lover of our souls. But we fail to realize that and so we treat Him like every other guy. If God really is first in our lives, our love for fashion will not override his instructions to us, will it?

He says to dress decently, appropriately and all. Do we do that? Or do we say “Well, I love fashion soooo much, I could care less what God thinks”? A lot of us would never agree to that, but that’s exactly what our actions say. We place fashion above God. We turn fashion into our idol.

So many Christians today are slaves to the IDOL called FASHION. We sacrifice our relationship with God on the altar of looking good.

I can already hear the protests and self-righteous comments of “Nah, not me.” Well, let’s conduct a small test to see if you really are not a slave to Fashion.

The issue of wearing Trousers. Wait!!! Don’t lynch me yet…! I am not here to advocate or condemn the morality or otherwise of wearing trousers as a lady. To me, the correctness of it all lies in the following questions;

-          Why do you wear trousers? Is it a matter of comfort or necessity or because you want to be sexy? Because you want to show off your figure or because you want to attract attention from men?

-          Is it modest? Do you wear pants so tight a plastic mold of your feminine parts can be made just by looking at them? Or are they so tight you can barely walk freely? Do people see your veins and muscle structure and every dimple in your anatomy just by looking at the trousers you have on?

-          Is it appropriate? You know a brother-in-Christ has issues with lust and then you have a meeting with him and that’s the day you remember to put on a pair of tight-fitting, figure-hugging pair of pants that announces your oh-so-magnificent figure from a mile away.

Now, if you answered all these questions correctly and you sincerely wear trousers with a pure heart and a pure motive, there’s still one last test.

WOULD YOU GIVE UP TROUSERS IF GOD ASKED YOU TO JUST BECAUSE…?

If God said, “My daughter, I know your wearing of trousers is done in a way that pleases me, but I just want you to stop wearing them for absolutely no reason”; what will your reaction be? How hard will it be for you to stop? How much will you have to struggle with choosing between your comfort and obedience to God, however uncomfortable it might be.

Same thing goes for jewelry, hair-do and make-up. Is there anything wrong with wearing jewelry? NO! Is there any sin associated with making your hair very neatly and exquisitely? NOPE!! Does the wearing of make-up symbolize a deviation from the straight and narrow? Definitely NOT!!!

So what exactly is your point, Darhmie?! My point is this; Fashion is your idol if you cannot at the drop of a hat go out bare-faced without any make-up on. There is a problem if it’s a taboo for you to leave your natural hair open for a week without sewing, attaching or gluing something on or into it. And if you have ever had to return to your house because you forgot to put earring on or worse still, you stopped at a boutique or road-side stall to buy jewelry because you forgot yours at home, then there is indeed an issue that needs tackling.

And before you start with your barrage of excuses, let me use myself as an example. On the issue of natural hair…lets just say I went off to play when God was distributing hair. It’s not like I have alopecia or something that terrifying but my natural hair has PLENTY of room for improvement, literally…LOL! I struggled with self-esteem issues about my hair all my life until like 6months ago. I just got tired of having to constantly be either tying scarves when (God-forbid) I hadn’t sewn, glued or attached something to my head. I asked myself why I couldn’t just let it be. One day, I woke up, went to the salon and chopped off the little hair that I had on my head. Monday morning, I went to work bare-headed for the first time ever since secondary school – almost 14years. It was scary but it was also liberating. Now, 6 months later, do I still fix weave-ons and all that? Of course, yes I do. But I don’t feel naked if I don’t have something on my head. My hair is still short and all but now I rock it au naturelle like no man’s business.

As per trousers, make-up and jewelry, I was brought up in Deeper Life, so I was well into my teens and almost done with University before I started wearing them. Now, I know that more often than not, people like me often abuse the new-found freedom and over-do things. I will admit I went a bit (okayyy, maybe more than a bit) overboard with make-up especially. But as I grew in Christ and questioned the rightness or not of wearing make-up, jewelry and trousers, I asked an older Sister-in-Christ who of her volition decided to never use make-up, jewelry, artificial hair or wear trousers . She told me something profound; she said she had just started getting really serious about her looks and as she was preparing to go out one day, God asked her how much she loved Him. She answered immediately and said “With all my heart, Lord.” God then asked her if He meant more to her than fashion and looking good, she said she was stunned and replied ‘Yes’. God then told her that He felt she was starting to pay too much attention to her looks and less time on her soul and that He missed the communion they used to have. My big Sis-In-Christ said she broke down as she realized that it wasn’t as if God didn’t want her to look good, all He wanted was all of her attention and fashion was beginning to take her away from Him. She decided to forgo all of that as a constant reminder to herself that God must always remain Numero Uno in her life.

Now, I am not saying we all need to go that drastic and cut everything out. But if God asks for us to do that, is it too much for Him to ask? I mean, He gave up His only Begotten Son for us? He guides us, protects us, loves us soooo unconditionally and more often than not, we throw His love back in His face whenever we decide to go against His directives. Yet, His Love has no end, knows no bounds. How come wearing jewelry or painting up our face is more important than spending time in His presence early in the morning? How come if we are not wearing the latest outfit to church, we automatically fail to enjoy the service?

Sisters and Brothers, I am such an advocate of looking good but at what cost? Let’s make it a point to consciously forgo these fashion “essentials” or “staples” once in a while. A suggestion; go on a “make-up fast” or a “trouser fast” for a period of time. The objective: we are telling God loud and clear that He is the most important part of our life and no matter how non-conformist it makes us look, there is nothing we cannot give up for Him.

Love you all. Enjoy your God-given freedom. Don’t let fashion enslave you….

NEVER EASY

One of my Facebook friends while commenting on a post in a Christian Women's group made this profound statement "...Holiness was never promised to be easy...only worth it".
Y'all don't even want to know what i did after reading it... Well, to be honest, more like what i wanted to do. It was like someone lit a firework in my soul, I felt like jumping outta my seat, running and screaming at the top of my voice "YES! FINALLY! Someone said it right!"
Now, i am sure some eyebrows are already being raised and some people are already thinking...huhhh, whats so exciting about that quote? Well, that's the reason for this blog and I am sure when i am done, you will be able to relate to my errr.... excitement.
Holiness in this context is living according to the commandments and guidelines outlined in the Bible. It means making a conscious decision to choose to live in a pure way, regardless of what is the norm or what our flesh desires.
For us to understand clearly, lets look at SEX. Yes, S-E-X!!! That three letter word that seems to be ruling everything around us in this generation. Now, sex is a perfectly normal expression of the deepest connection that can exist between a Man and a Woman in a marriage (no apologies to the gay community...this chic thinks homosexuality is an abominable perversion). Sex is touted and sold to us in every form and every means possible. It is used in advertisements for cars, kitchen appliances and even stuff like lawn mowers, office equipment and food! I mean, i cannot seem to see the connection between sexiness and a lawn mower... and i am so sure i am not the only one wondering why the individual used in advertising a Blender has to be oh-so-sinfully sexy with ripped abs and all that or with a figure that would make an hourglass pale in comparison. Not to talk of the lady on that pack of cereal looking errr.... delicious...hahhhaaaa...
Now don't even get me started on the songs that the 'great' artistes of this generation continually assault us with and the soft-porn that they call music videos.
With all this continual barrage of sex and sexual innuendos, one can almost be excused for walking around in a constant state of arousal. I mean...we've got all these hormones raging inside of us like liquid oxygen and then there's this lighter called sexual innuendo following us around. Sure, there is bound to be some form of errr....explosion pretty soon or is there...?
Lets look at what the Bible says about sex:
There is no Hebrew or Greek word used in the Bible that precisely refers to sex before marriage. The Bible undeniably condemns adultery and sexual immorality, but is sex before marriage considered sexually immoral? According to 1 Corinthians 7:2, “yes” is the clear answer: “But since there is so much immorality, each man should have his own wife, and each woman her own husband.” In this verse, Paul states that marriage is the “cure” for sexual immorality. First Corinthians 7:2 is essentially saying that, because people cannot control themselves and so many are having immoral sex outside of marriage, people should get married. Then they can fulfill their passions in a moral way.
What we are surrounded with in this generation is the idea of casual, recreational sex. Musicians sing of having sex just because the other party looks good. Some feminists measure a woman's level of enlightenment, independence and self-sufficiency by how sexually liberated she is.  In schools, a guy's popularity depends on how many girls can fall for his charms and into his bed. Nobody thinks of the implications of all these.
There is, in truth, no such thing as “casual” sex, because of the depth of intimacy involved in the sexual relationship. Lets take a look at this example. If we take a sticky note and attach it to a piece of paper, it will stick. If we remove it, it will leave behind a small amount of residue; the longer it remains, the more residue is left. If we take that note and stick it to several places repeatedly, it will leave residue everywhere we stick it, and it will eventually lose its ability to adhere to anything. This is what happens to us when we engage in “casual” sex. Each time we leave a sexual relationship, we leave a part of ourselves behind. The longer the relationship has gone on, the more we leave behind, and the more we lose of ourselves. As we go from partner to partner, we continue to lose a tiny bit of ourselves each time, and eventually we may lose our ability to form a lasting sexual relationship at all. Any sexual relationship is so strong and so intimate that we cannot enter into it casually, no matter how easy it might seem.
Sex within marriage is pleasurable, and God designed it that way. God wants men and women to enjoy sexual activity within the confines of marriage. Song of Solomon and several other Bible passages (such as Proverbs 5:19) clearly describe the pleasure of sex.
So, the BIG QUESTION...how does one keep her legs closed or his pants zipped in this generation, seeing how easy it is to just let go and get down with the flow of the day?
The answer is a one-letter word "FLEE"!!! Yup, you heard right...FLEEEEEE!!!! You know the Bible has an answer for every question and this one is no exception. In 2Tim 2:22, the Bible tells us to "Flee also youthful lusts..." The New Living Translation says " Run from anything that stimulates youthful lusts..." The New International Version says "Flee the evil desires of youth..."
I don't think i have anything to add to that. Simple doesn't get more simple. Run from anything that stimulates youthful lusts... Watching Nicki Minaj's videos gives u a bulge in your pants, then you've gotta stop watching them videos, dear brother. Sweet sister, if listening to Jeremih or Trey Songz makes you think of silk sheets and entwined limbs, stop listening to them. If seeing a movie with Idris Elba in it makes you salivate like a rabid dog, sister tear your eyes away from that screen. And I've got to admit, that last part about Idris Elba was for me...uuuhmmm...a fine black brother with a smoooth English accent just takes the bolts outta my knee joints....hahahaaaa (whew)....I NEED TO FLEEE!!!!! Lord, Help Your Daughter....!
On a more serious note though, did you realise that the Bible didn't say "Resist", the Bible says "Flee". Let me break that down for you. You see, what the Bible is telling us in essence is that we shouldn't get to the point where we will need to resist. Once there's an inkling of something that could lead to sexual immorality, don't even wait to explore what the outcome may be, just run! Better to be safe than sorry.
Let me paint a picture; saved, sanctified Sister A and Holy,Tongue-Talking, demon-slaying Brother B are in an altar-bound relationship. Sister A invites Brother B to her apartment to "hang-out". Sis A makes a mean plate of Mac and Cheese for Brother B. Brother B eats and his soul is glad. Next, he says he needs to rest and lays down on the bed. Sister A, being the dutiful girlfriend that she is, decides to help her booboo rest well. She turns down the lights and puts a Trey Songz or Elton John CD on repeat, then cuddles next to Brother B. Well, nothing wrong has taken place yet. But, COM'ON!!!!, that's a recipe for disaster. Soon he's going to start feeling very cuddly and then a cuddle becomes a full-on makeout session which then leads on to u-know-what.
Sisters, i don't care how spiritual that brother sounds when he's preaching, i don't care how many scriptures he knows by heart, i don't care how many demons he has trampled physically; a man is a man at the end of the day. That's how he is wired. You can't dangle the meat in front of him and then expect him not to be moved. I mean, seriously...?
And brothers, any sister, no matter how saved, sanctified and purified she might be, just needs the right amount of attention + the right words in the right places at all the right times and voila!...she's putty in your arms.
Let me wrap this up. I said all of that to say this. Engaging in sexually immoral behaviour is sooooo easy. I mean, we are human. We are wired to want that kind of intimacy. Saying no to that kind of intimacy until the time is right is where the work is. We have to go against the cravings of our flesh. We have to constantly guard our hearts and eyes and ears and minds...everything. Because everything around us screams SEX and seems to taunt us into trying it out.
Saying no to Pre-marital sex is NEVER NEVER easy but i can guarantee you, it is SOOOOOOO WORTH IT, both for your present and your future. The magic word is "FLEE".
Love you all!!!!

OUR BEAUTY IN YOUR EYES

Saw a post on the wall of a Facebook friend and I was really moved by it. The post was addressed to brothers in Christ. It was a plea to them to treat us sisters as Christ treats the church. It was a plea to them to look at us carefully and appreciate our beauty; the kind that endures.
I feel this message came at an appropriate time when the pressure on young women to look "Right" is so intense.
The world's description of beauty is a waif-like, anorexic-looking woman whose every action oozes seduction and who almost never leaves any of her feminine goodies hidden, baring it for the ogling pleasure of every Tom, Dick, John, James, Peter and Harry.
Realistically speaking, few women have that 'look' and aura naturally. This means most women are driven to desperate points just to acheive this 'unreal' look.
Its even more disheartening that in the church today, young men expect young women to look no different than the women of the world. And before you jump to their defence saying that rarely ever do brothers-in-Christ verbally ask their sisters in Christ to dress seductively or to have that waif-like appearance, consider this next paragraph.
Most men are attracted by what they see. Thats a fact. I am so not disputing that. Most men see a very attractive young woman and will instantly like what they see regardless of what her character is.
Women are naturally wired to want to be noticed and appreciated and cared for and all that (you know what i mean...). When the modestly-dressed woman realises that her more provocatively dressed counterpart gets more attention, she automatically starts trying to do what the other lady is doing to get as much attention. She starts eating less, exercising obsessively, taking diet-pills, binge-eating and purging and engaging in all kinds of potentially dangerous eating habits in a bid to loose weight. Her hem-line starts moving northwards, her tops get tighter, her v-necks plunge a little more, off goes the inner wears and boob-tubes worn for modesty sakes, the make-up becomes more mask-like and slowly but surely her focus shifts from her inward beauty to her outward beauty...all for one reason...SHE WANTS TO BE APPRECIATED.
What is the import of all these; Brothers, we all know you are wired to be drawn to physically attractive things, but we implore you to try to be more selective and more thorough. After the beauty draws you in, consider the character, the inner beauty that counts. Men complain that there are no good women left, but if we consider things critically, this lack of good women can be traced straight to men paying more attention to physical beauty than to the beauty that really counts- the one found in the heart.
If we were sure that men appreciate our good character, meekness, submission and Christlike qualities, we would pay more attention to these things. But since men have told us (by way of their actions) that they are more concerned with how we look, we automatically place caring for our physical beauty higher on our priority list.
Come to think of it, although this plea to our brothers is seemingly for our benefit, they are also getting a pretty good deal. I mean, we are encouraging you to go after real solid gold and not just some glittery gold-dust. Afterall, physical beauty will ALWAYS fade (no matter how many lifts and tucks and botox injections...you get my drift). But a beautiful character only gets better with time.
And before some super-saved sister jumps on my throat screaming "YES, i TOLD Y"ALL!!", let me state categorically that in NO WAY whatsoever am i a propenent of dowdiness as a symbol of purity. I mean, i am almost repelled when i see a 'sister' looking so unkempt and dirty all in a bid to seem 'holy'. Pardon me, but i dont think God can stand dirtiness. How can I be so sure? Check out the Book of Revelation in the Bible. Read through it and see how Heaven is described. You see words like 'crystal clear', 'sparkling' and the like. And we all will agree that nowhere in there is there a hint of dirtiness or tolerance for dirtiness. My Point; you can be modest and decent and all that and still dress in a really cool and attractive way. I wont propose any particular kind of clothing that can be considered appropriate. I would however suggest that when we dress, we should ask ourselves these questions and answer them honestly;
1. Why am I weariing this? To attract male attention, to look good or for the purpose of covering my nakedness?
2. What effect does my appearance have on a normal war-blooded male? We all know the effect we have on men, don't we?
3. Will Christ be proud to walk alongside you in that attire?

Now, i know i have diverted from the original line of thought of this my little write-up (something i do a lot...smh), so i need to wrap things up before i put you to sleep.
The main thought i want you to leave with is this; Brothers, do try to focus more on our inner beauty than on our bust-waist-hip ratio, and Sisters, even when it seem you dont get enough attention for your sterling inner qualities, don't be discouraged.
I LOVE YOU ALL!!!!